This Crazy Thing Called Life

As a kid I had this dream of what life as an adult was going to be like. Lots of kids, the perfect house, vacations to places all over the US, a great marriage, a solid job, and so on. I'm sure we all had similar vision, only with changes for each persons individual dreams. As a teenager and young adult I was naive enough to still truly believe that's how life would be. Then adult life started happening. I married a wonderful man, whom I love very much, in the temple, just as I always wanted. So far things were good. We moved to Orem, Utah (not in the plan, but OK, I'll go with it for now.) That first year was hard, very hard. I was a young, naive girl who married a guy 4 years older than me. A guy who had been on his own for more years than I'd been graduated from high school. I look back on that first year of marriage and I'm very grateful for the experience. I needed someone to force me out of my comfort zone and thankfully Kenny was up for the challenge; though I wonder if he'd known beforehand of what was coming, if he would have gone through with the marriage (HaHa, Just Kidding.)

I should have known from the first "not in the plan" moment in my adult life that things weren't going to go by 'the plan.' The first few years went by well and pretty on track for 'the plan.' After a year, we moved back to Logan, Kenny had a great job, and I was back in school. We were planning to build a house and looking forward to a family. The family issue was the only, "not in the plan" part of my life at that moment. For 2 years we were unable to get pregnant and that was very difficult for me. I know now that 2 years of trying for a baby is not much compared to what a lot of people go through, but I found it very difficult, especially the not knowing if we would ever be blessed with children. Obviously they came and Sarah Kate was born almost 3 years after we were married. Life was going perfect, that is until LIFE really started to happen and we were sent spiralling in a totally different direction than 'the plan.'

The computer industry crashed and after holding on for months and months, Kenny was the last one laid off from his company. We were devastated, obviously, but this act lead us to our next adventure in Virginia (very, very far from 'the plan' of staying in Logan forever.) From there, those of you who know me know what happened. We went from Virginia back to Utah only to never find true employment; so back to Virginia we went. Then, a few years later we made the move to Idaho Falls only to have Kenny and his group all laid off 4 months later. So far where we've lived and how we've lived is so far from 'the plan' it's hard to remember what 'the plan' was.

Luckily the family part of 'the plan' seemed to get back on track. After struggling to have Sarah Kate, my body seemed to think pregnancy was okay. Ben came 2 years later and then, while trying to have Hannah, we discovered I had some medical issues and would likely need drugs to get pregnant. I went on meds and a few months later I was pregnant with Hannah. Gracie came 19 months later without trying and then we thought about being done. We were newly unemployed in Idaho and thought maybe 4 kids would be just perfect for us. Little did we know that while we were debating whether or not to have more kids, we were actually pregnant with Dan. After Dan, we didn't even have time to really discuss whether we were done having kids because Adam came too quickly. I definitely have the big family I always dreamed about and for that I am truly grateful.

So now, nearly 12 years into my marriage and what I consider my adulthood, I look back and see that very little of it is how I dreamed. The 6 kids yes, but the ease of motherhood, not even close. What was I thinking 'ease of motherhood', how funny was I? You never know how difficult motherhood is until you become a mother. I envisioned myself staying in Cache Valley, having my kids go to Sky View just like I did, and settling in for a great, "easy" life. Instead we've moved more times than I can count, lived clear across the country and now I find myself living in Idaho of all places. Jobs have been anything but stable and life has been anything but easy.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about life lately. My learning circle group, the Power of Mom's website, and my overall feeling of inadequacy as a mother, wife and all around person has led me to search within myself for the real me. The detour from 'the plan' that my life has taken has changed who I am. I feel like I've been on auto pilot for years. Stress, babies back to back, no income, and everything else we've been through lately has paralyzed me and it's been all I could do to just function. My children have suffered, my husband has suffered, and I've suffered. I've decided I want to live again. It's time to come off auto pilot. It's going to be slow, hard, and there will be plenty of times I want to revert back to auto pilot, but I'm going to try.

Kenny's grandpa has recently become really sick and been given the news of 6 months to live at most and likely only a few weeks. This news has been another feeder of my desire to get off auto pilot. Grandpa Holderness is an amazing man who has lived an amazing life. I hope, and assume, that at 86 years old he can look back on his life with contentment. He has lived an amazing life and should be proud of himself, his family, and all he is. I, on the other hand, look back on my life the past few years and feel like I've missed out on so much. My kids are swiftly growing up and by being on auto pilot I've missed so much of them. I NEED to live again before it's too late.

It's funny! As I live through this current and seemingly never ending trial I have mixed feelings. I'm so grateful for it and for the detour my life has taken. Sure it would have been great in ways, to stick to 'the plan.' It'd be great to have a wonderful home in Cache Valley, a steady job, and everything else my childhood plan included, but I've become so much more because of my detour. I've had a chance to live just outside of DC. How many people can say that? I've experience so much more in life, simply by moving there. I've met amazing people who have changed my life forever. I've been able to experience what life is really like outside the shelter of Cache Valley. I wouldn't change that for anything.

Most importantly, this detour has allowed me to find an amazing amount strength within myself. Strength that I didn't even know I possessed. That first year of marriage was only the beginning of my growth and I'm so grateful to Kenny for aiding me in this growth and for being patient with me while I grow. If I had lived the dream from my childhood I never would have know of this strength, nor would I have become the person I am today. Sure, I would have been happy and I'm sure it would be wonderful, but I'm grateful for my growth and for all I've learned. I'd do it all again if given the chance, simply because I don't think I would have learned what I've learned any other way. Maybe Heavenly Father really does know what he's doing. :)

It's easy to say that about the past, to look back on the things I've survived and see the ways I've grown and the strength I've discovered because of it. It's harder to be grateful for what I'm currently living through. It's harder to come off auto pilot and live in the middle of this trial, but I'm determined to search for that strength and try. Life for us right now is still scary and unsure and sometimes it's hard to find peace and happiness, but that's just life right now. I guess I've discovered just that, this is just life. It's true what they say, 'this to shall pass.'

I'm so grateful to my Heavenly Father, for all He's done for my little family throughout it's existence. I believe with all my heart that God knows me. He knows what I'm capable of and he knows what I need in order to discover what I'm capable of. I'll be honest, I wish I could just learn it and move on, but who doesn't wish that in the middle of a trial. :) I see God's hand in my life and I know He's done so much more for me than even I know. I try to tap into that when I feel the stress getting to me. I don't know where life will take us. I don't know if He'll stop helping or if this trial will ever end, but I'm determined to live anyway. So, I'm going to continue reflecting on life and I'm going to try to discover who I am. I'm going to try and discover who it is Heavenly Father seems to think I have the capability of being. I'm planning on using this blog as a way to help me discover that. Hopefully it won't bore anyone too much. I've been through a lot in my life and hopefully the things I've learned and the clarity I hope to gain will help someone at some point (even if it is just me looking back when I need some help.)