This is a hard post for me to write, but I feel the need to write it anyway. I realize I'm way behind on blogging, but before I start catching up I want to write this one. Maybe it'll help explain a little of the reason I'm so far behind. I wrote a blog similar to this back in May. Funny how life doesn't seem to change. Warning: If you're not into 'life lesson' blogs don't read on. I don't mind.
Where to begin? I think I'll start with where I've been the past few day/months. I meant to start a blog yesterday entitled "Do you ever feel like God is mocking you?" I didn't write it because I spent most of the day locking all of the kids toys in the storage room (I'll talk about this in another blog, I'm sure.) Anyway, the title probably explains where my mind has been. To paraphrase, the blog would have been about how lately, I've felt like not only is God not helping me, but he's purposely hurting me. Like he's sitting up in heaven saying, "Oh look, she's on her knees crying again. She thinks this is bad. Let me show her what bad really is." Now in my heart of hearts I know this isn't true. I've been taught my entire life the nature of God and I believe it with every fiber of my being. However, when life gets hard, real hard, sometimes it's easy to loose sight of that. It seems nothing can go right for us and not only can nothing go right, but I've felt more alone these past few weeks then I ever have in my life. (That doesn't help the whole God doesn't care feeling.) I'll be honest! I've sat in many church meetings and listened to stories about people in emotional need who have been helped by someone who was praying for a service opportunity. God won't even send me a friend. I must really be a loser. I've had many feelings go through my head lately from, 'God is mocking me' to 'I've made so many mistakes I'm not worthy of help anymore.' It hasn't been fun.
Regardless of how I've been feeling I woke up today ready for a good day. Ben was giving his first talk in primary (he did AWESOME by the way) and I was determined to make it to church and have a good Sunday. Everything was fine until I got to Sacrament meeting. We live in a wonderful ward, it's huge, but wonderful. It's also a fairly affluent ward which doesn't make our current circumstances all that easy for us. We were of course late by about 5 minutes so we sat in the back of the gym (not only does the chapel fill up each week, but the gym does as well.) As I sat and looked at the heads of all those people in front of me I started feeling like I didn't belong. Here were all of these people who are amazing, wonderful people who God obviously loves and there I sat, nothing I wanted was working out. God had left me and the last place I felt I should be was in His church house. The turning point was actually Sarah. She was looking at her $2.00 Book of Mormon she got as a sunbeam and she looked up at me and said, "I'm so excited for my new scriptures when I turn 8." This is something I've told the kids they'll get when they turn 8. (I haven't even discussed it with Kenny, I hope he doesn't mind.) It's something I've always wanted to do for them and it's something Sarah Kate, obviously, has been looking forward to. I looked away and just lost it. I realized we can't buy her those scriptures or the pretty white dress she deserves when she gets baptized in less then a month all because of our failings. As much as I wanted to give those things to her, as important as it is for me to be the Mother that does that for and with her, I feel just horrible that she's not likely to get them. And then I thought, 'God's not even willing to help me give my kids those spiritual moments like they deserve.' I realize hundreds and hundreds of kids get baptized without the white dress and scriptures, but I so wanted to provide them for Sarah. At that point I was done and it was all I could do to make it through the rest of the passing of the sacrament. The poor Deacon's who had to give the bread and water to a bawling lady probably thought I was insane.
As soon as the sacrament was done I grabbed Dan and his bottle and escaped to the empty mothers lounge (very uncommon for our mothers lounge to be empty.) Not wanting to be seen bawling by anyone and not wanting to listen to the bishops testimony on the loud speaker, I made the bottle quick and went to the Relief Society room. I sat in the back, feeding Daniel his bottle, bawling and overcome with emotion. I've felt alone before or like I don't fit in a ward, but I've never felt like I didn't belong at church. I felt so strongly that church was the last place on earth I should be. It's for good people who God loves and it was like I was being disgraceful by just being there. All I wanted to do was go home. So I sat there thinking, 'OK I don't want to leave before Ben's talk, but I can't go back into that meeting.' I decided to hang out in the Relief Society room until primary, then listen to Ben's talk, and then go home. As I sat there I felt so guilty that Kenny was alone in sacrament with the 4 kids (not an easy thing by any means.) So after a few minutes I decided to go help him, but still go home after Ben's talk.
It took all my strength to go back to sacrament, but I did it and sat through the meeting. I only cried a few times while people talked about how they know God loves them and so on. Luckily I had 5 kids to help me keep my mind off my feelings. Then Kenny stood up. I almost always cry a little when he bears his testimony, but this time I just let the tears flow. I can definitely be a baby and today was not one of my finer moments. I am so grateful for a husband who is strong, insightful, mindful of me, and willing to say the things that need to be said. He talked a little about our current situation, thanked the ward for all the help they have provided us, whither they knew it or not. He talked about how sometimes we just don't know the answers to things. We don't know why life goes the way it does. Why have others choices all turned out good while ours have gone so wrong? We probably prayed just as much as they did. We don't know the reasons, but we have to accept what we've been dealt. I wish I could have recorded it. My husband is an amazing speaker. I can't do his words justice. So of course I sat back in the second to last row crying my eyes out while all these women kept turning around to look at me. Like I said, not one of my finer moments. He finished by saying how much he loves me, that no matter how hard it gets he can't imagine going through it with anyone else, and thanking me for my testimony and the strength it gives him. YEAH! I was bawling, poor Hannah felt so bad for me.
Kenny was the last testimony and after sacrament we had all these people coming up to us giving us words of encouragement, telling us their stories, and thanking Kenny for his testimony. It was one of those things were we both felt it needed to be said, but when it was over we wanted to just slip out the back door. :) Luckily I had 4 kids that needed to get to class, one of them who needed to give a talk so I slipped out and left Kenny to talk to everyone. After listening to Kenny's testimony I decided to stay for the rest of church. I met Kenny in primary where we listened to our amazing son give an amazing talk (I can't tell you how proud I am of that boy.) Then we went to Sunday School where we had a lesson on Cain and Able and oddly enough, why we serve. I missed most of this, due to being late from Ben's talk and then because I had a loud baby and had to step out, but I think I got the message I needed to get. After Sunday School it was time for Relief Society.
It's amazing.) By the end of that I was crying, as was probably 70% of the women in that meeting. After that it all become a blur. Sister Geb's talked about how it's our duty as women to serve others. It may not be our time of life to give a lot of service, but we need to be doing all we can. If it's our time to accept it, we need to do so willingly, no matter how hard it may be. The thing that really got me was when she talked about even when life is hard, God is there for us. He helps us in small ways through ways we don't even realize. It's the small things that add up to be such big things. As I sat there listening to her words through my tears, I closed my eyes and said a little pray. I told God, 'I get it. I see what I needed to learn.' I had an overwhelming feeling of love and comfort come over me. I knew he had never left me and I know he never will. No matter what, Heavenly Father will always love me and take care of me.
Sister Geb's finished her lesson and allowed some time for the sisters to bear their testimonies (this is typically done the first Sunday of each month in Relief Society.) A lady I don't know stood and bore her testimony. Honestly I have no idea what she said because I was so filled with emotion. I knew I had just been taught a very important lesson that needed to be shared. I am not a very brave person and I HATE bearing my testimony because I'm not very good at speaking from the heart, but I knew I needed to get up and share my experience. So I stood next and through tears share the experience I had that day, much like I just blogged, but definitely not done as well or detailed. I shared how I truly felt that those feeling of inadequacy, of not belonging were likely Satan's attempt to get me to go home rather than stay at church and receive my revelation from God. If I had given into those feelings and gone home like I so badly wanted to I never would have learned this important lesson. Good thing God knows how to get me back to sacrament (guilt for leaving Kenny with 4 small kids.) Ironically I later learned that as I sat in the Relief Society room by myself during sacrament, crying my eyes out, my bishop was bearing his testimony in which he closed by asking the members of the ward to pray for those in our ward who were having financial, medical, or emotional problems. As I sat there crying my own bishop was asking every person in that chapel to pray for me. I am definitely not alone. As I bore my testimony I was amazed at how freely the words came and though afterwards I thought of all these things I could have added or could have said differently I was grateful for the opportunity to share my story. It must have been somewhat powerful because I made at least half the room cry and most of those ladies don't even know me.
I'm grateful for today. It was SOOOO emotionally draining, but it was an important day and I learned an important lesson. After church I had a few sisters give me hugs and someone even stopped Kenny to thank him for his testimony. She also said to thank me for my testimony, it made her cry just like his had done. Boy, Kenny and I were very emotional today. The ward probably thinks we're crazy or something.
I realize this knowledge that I've been blessed with today doesn't change our circumstances. We still have to wake up tomorrow and face another day of uncertainty, likely another day of disappointment, but I know I'm not alone and that means a lot. I'm vowing to allow this day to change me. I realize the depression, nervousness, sickness, and everything else I'm feeling isn't going to just go away, but I feel like I can handle them better now. I will no longer lay in bed telling Heavenly Father that I'm done, that I can't go another day. I will get up and take care of my kids to the best of my ability and I will accept the things that I am not allowed to do or provide them with. I will keep the belief that God is there and that he will help me when the time is right and in his way. Keep the faith! That's what's gotten me through this trail this far and I can't loose sight of it now. Those of you who have suffered through this entire post, I hope you learned something from my lesson. No matter if you're LDS and better understand the mechanics of my day or if your of a different religion, I believe with all my heart that God is mindful of us and that he has not left us even if we sometimes feel he has. God's lessons are for all of us and I hope my lesson has touched you.
