Is It Really Easier To Give In?

I'm really behind on my blogging and I promise I'll update everyone on what's been going on the past few weeks, but I've got something on my mind and so I'm going to type.

We had a busy night tonight. The big kids spring concert started at 6:30 and then when we got home I let everyone play outside and enjoy the beautiful weather. We played with the basketball, rode bikes, played with friends, and Ben, Dan, and I even played T-ball. I let them stay out longer than I should have, especially considering how tired they all are, and so when the bedtime routine started I knew it had to be quick. While the kids were talking to Daddy on the phone, I told Hannah I would read her and Gracie 1 bedtime story tonight. I didn't have time for the usual 2, 3, or 4 stories, but I wanted to read them at least one because I know they love it so much. Hannah proceeded to beg for 2 books, she begged over and over and even went so far as to tell me, "Mom, you WILL read me 2 bedtime stories." After telling her no over and over again, I finally realized I needed to put a stop to it and so I told her I would read her one story, but if she kept whining about 2 stories I wouldn't read any stories. Long story short, we didn't end up reading any stories and she completely lost it. She laid in her bed and bawled and bawled. She was, at times, uncontrollable and would hang on me crying to read her a story. Part of me wanted to laugh because it's totally not how we act and it really was pathetic to watch, but part of me wanted to cry as well. She's my little girl and all she wanted was for me to read her a bedtime story. What kind of mean mommy am I?

Do you ever feel like it would be so much easier to just give in to your children? When they cry, throw a tantrum, or pull that 'cutest pouty face ever' act (Hannah has this down to an art, her pout is priceless,) sometimes I just think to myself, "It'd just be so much easier to give in." Sadly, I think I've done more and more of that over the past few months and maybe even years. Life's crazy here if you hadn't already guessed. I've been overwhelmed at times and I think with the craziness, uncertainty and just pure child to parent ratio, well, I'll just come out and say it. "I've been slacking." You're all shocked, I know. (Please just humor me and pretend you're shocked.) But really, I've been falling behind in my discipline and I can see the change in my kids. I still think I have fairly good kids, but not as good as they have been and could be. I've known this for awhile, but this past week I learned just how far we've fallen.

Kenny's gone this week and will likely be gone most weeks this summer. Single parenting 6 small kids is not what I call fun, but this is where we are in life and I'll do it and we'll all survive. He's been gone for 4 days now and my kids have taken this opportunity to push their boundaries and see how far they can get. Every kids does it, right, and this new daddyless dynamic has provided my kids with the opportunity to get away with more, so they think. When Kenny left on Sunday I sat the kids down and told them things were going to change and I was going to need a lot more help from them. Now, I have to admit that I don't blame them for not believing me. I've told them this before, with full intent on following through, but not actually following through and I can completely understand them sitting there thinking my words are empty words. However, this time is different because it has to be different. I do need their help more and things do need to change. The disciple needs to come back.

Parenting is a hard thing because there are so many things to teach children, things you don't even know you're teaching them. With my lack of discipline I've been teaching my kids things I don't want them to know. They've discovered that if they whine enough I'll likely give in just to quite them. I catch myself doing this, but it's almost like I'm powerless to stop it. The desire to just have some quite is so large that I give them that candy or don't make them do their chores. It's lame because I'm smarter than that. I know that a little hard work and 'pain' now will result in things being so much easier in the long run. I think when you're in the middle of things you often react before thinking, that's what I often do anyway, and it's typically not the best choice.

This goes beyond just me having to put up with their whining. I'm teaching them so many things I don't even realize I'm teaching them. I'm teaching them that they don't have to listen to adults, they don't really have to work, and that it's OK to be whiny and bratty and that if they are they'll get what they want. I'm teaching them that it's OK to get what you want when you want it and that life should be all play and no work. Giving in all the time is definitely not doing my kids, or I, any favors.

I want them to learn the value of work. I want them to understand what other people are going through and be sympathetic and helpful. I know they're little and there's only so much of this that they can do, but I think starting young is important. I want my kids to understand that there are consequences for their actions, whether good or bad. I don't think that my lack of discipline and my giving in to them is teaching them these things. In the past I've always excused it away by telling myself that they understand all those important things and that when it really come down to it they'll choose right, but really, if I don't teach these things to them how are they going to learn them. If I don't put my foot down and hold them accountable for their actions how are they going to learn about consequences. If I don't make them work, how are they going to learn the value of work. They're kids and it's my job to teach them these things and if they know these things, not only will they be better children and hopefully become better adults, but life in our family will flow better and we'll all be happier.

So, back to my original question. Do you ever feel like it would be so much easier to just give in to your children? YES! I often feel this way, but giving in to them is only an immediate gratification and can cause longterm issues. So, what happened when it came to Hannah and her bedtime stories? I debated with myself over and over about what to do. Should I just read her a story (after all, studies show reading to your kids at bedtime is VERY important for their growth and education) or should I stick to what I said and make her go to bed without the story. I'm proud to say I did the later. I talked to her about her choice of whining over and over and how that led to not getting a bedtime story and even though she was sobbing uncontrollably she was able to repeat (enough that I got that she understood me) what I had talked to her about. I told Gracie to leave her alone and let her cry, I kissed her, gave her a hug good night, told her I loved her, and left the room. She cried for about 10 minutes, calmed herself down, and then fell asleep. I felt like a horrible parent. It's not at all fun listening to your kids cry, but I knew it was an important lesson for her to learn and she'd never learn to listen if I didn't give her consequences for her choices.

I'm sure we'll have many more of these episodes come up in the near future, but I'm determined to teach my children how to listen again and do what they're told. I often tell them, "You know, you don't get anything you want by whining." Now it's time to show them that. I think a lot of things are going to change around here (I'm hoping anyway,) more things than just me sticking to my guns. I think a list of family rules is important, but more importantly I think it's key to live them. I'm hoping to get organized in some way. My friend has bought the Power of Mom's organizing tool called Mind Organization for Mom's (M.O.M) and it sounds amazing. One day I'll be able to afford it, but for now I'll just have to go off some of the tips she's given me. I think organization is a very important thing to help a family flow in harmony. Our lives are going to become completely restructured with the goals of becoming better people in mind. My family is seriously lacking direction and we'll never become the people we could and should be if we don't change that. So I'm hoping that by being the 'mean mom' or using more discipline, my kids will learn to be loving, caring, well rounded children, because really, isn't that what all parents want for their kids.

This Crazy Thing Called Life

As a kid I had this dream of what life as an adult was going to be like. Lots of kids, the perfect house, vacations to places all over the US, a great marriage, a solid job, and so on. I'm sure we all had similar vision, only with changes for each persons individual dreams. As a teenager and young adult I was naive enough to still truly believe that's how life would be. Then adult life started happening. I married a wonderful man, whom I love very much, in the temple, just as I always wanted. So far things were good. We moved to Orem, Utah (not in the plan, but OK, I'll go with it for now.) That first year was hard, very hard. I was a young, naive girl who married a guy 4 years older than me. A guy who had been on his own for more years than I'd been graduated from high school. I look back on that first year of marriage and I'm very grateful for the experience. I needed someone to force me out of my comfort zone and thankfully Kenny was up for the challenge; though I wonder if he'd known beforehand of what was coming, if he would have gone through with the marriage (HaHa, Just Kidding.)

I should have known from the first "not in the plan" moment in my adult life that things weren't going to go by 'the plan.' The first few years went by well and pretty on track for 'the plan.' After a year, we moved back to Logan, Kenny had a great job, and I was back in school. We were planning to build a house and looking forward to a family. The family issue was the only, "not in the plan" part of my life at that moment. For 2 years we were unable to get pregnant and that was very difficult for me. I know now that 2 years of trying for a baby is not much compared to what a lot of people go through, but I found it very difficult, especially the not knowing if we would ever be blessed with children. Obviously they came and Sarah Kate was born almost 3 years after we were married. Life was going perfect, that is until LIFE really started to happen and we were sent spiralling in a totally different direction than 'the plan.'

The computer industry crashed and after holding on for months and months, Kenny was the last one laid off from his company. We were devastated, obviously, but this act lead us to our next adventure in Virginia (very, very far from 'the plan' of staying in Logan forever.) From there, those of you who know me know what happened. We went from Virginia back to Utah only to never find true employment; so back to Virginia we went. Then, a few years later we made the move to Idaho Falls only to have Kenny and his group all laid off 4 months later. So far where we've lived and how we've lived is so far from 'the plan' it's hard to remember what 'the plan' was.

Luckily the family part of 'the plan' seemed to get back on track. After struggling to have Sarah Kate, my body seemed to think pregnancy was okay. Ben came 2 years later and then, while trying to have Hannah, we discovered I had some medical issues and would likely need drugs to get pregnant. I went on meds and a few months later I was pregnant with Hannah. Gracie came 19 months later without trying and then we thought about being done. We were newly unemployed in Idaho and thought maybe 4 kids would be just perfect for us. Little did we know that while we were debating whether or not to have more kids, we were actually pregnant with Dan. After Dan, we didn't even have time to really discuss whether we were done having kids because Adam came too quickly. I definitely have the big family I always dreamed about and for that I am truly grateful.

So now, nearly 12 years into my marriage and what I consider my adulthood, I look back and see that very little of it is how I dreamed. The 6 kids yes, but the ease of motherhood, not even close. What was I thinking 'ease of motherhood', how funny was I? You never know how difficult motherhood is until you become a mother. I envisioned myself staying in Cache Valley, having my kids go to Sky View just like I did, and settling in for a great, "easy" life. Instead we've moved more times than I can count, lived clear across the country and now I find myself living in Idaho of all places. Jobs have been anything but stable and life has been anything but easy.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about life lately. My learning circle group, the Power of Mom's website, and my overall feeling of inadequacy as a mother, wife and all around person has led me to search within myself for the real me. The detour from 'the plan' that my life has taken has changed who I am. I feel like I've been on auto pilot for years. Stress, babies back to back, no income, and everything else we've been through lately has paralyzed me and it's been all I could do to just function. My children have suffered, my husband has suffered, and I've suffered. I've decided I want to live again. It's time to come off auto pilot. It's going to be slow, hard, and there will be plenty of times I want to revert back to auto pilot, but I'm going to try.

Kenny's grandpa has recently become really sick and been given the news of 6 months to live at most and likely only a few weeks. This news has been another feeder of my desire to get off auto pilot. Grandpa Holderness is an amazing man who has lived an amazing life. I hope, and assume, that at 86 years old he can look back on his life with contentment. He has lived an amazing life and should be proud of himself, his family, and all he is. I, on the other hand, look back on my life the past few years and feel like I've missed out on so much. My kids are swiftly growing up and by being on auto pilot I've missed so much of them. I NEED to live again before it's too late.

It's funny! As I live through this current and seemingly never ending trial I have mixed feelings. I'm so grateful for it and for the detour my life has taken. Sure it would have been great in ways, to stick to 'the plan.' It'd be great to have a wonderful home in Cache Valley, a steady job, and everything else my childhood plan included, but I've become so much more because of my detour. I've had a chance to live just outside of DC. How many people can say that? I've experience so much more in life, simply by moving there. I've met amazing people who have changed my life forever. I've been able to experience what life is really like outside the shelter of Cache Valley. I wouldn't change that for anything.

Most importantly, this detour has allowed me to find an amazing amount strength within myself. Strength that I didn't even know I possessed. That first year of marriage was only the beginning of my growth and I'm so grateful to Kenny for aiding me in this growth and for being patient with me while I grow. If I had lived the dream from my childhood I never would have know of this strength, nor would I have become the person I am today. Sure, I would have been happy and I'm sure it would be wonderful, but I'm grateful for my growth and for all I've learned. I'd do it all again if given the chance, simply because I don't think I would have learned what I've learned any other way. Maybe Heavenly Father really does know what he's doing. :)

It's easy to say that about the past, to look back on the things I've survived and see the ways I've grown and the strength I've discovered because of it. It's harder to be grateful for what I'm currently living through. It's harder to come off auto pilot and live in the middle of this trial, but I'm determined to search for that strength and try. Life for us right now is still scary and unsure and sometimes it's hard to find peace and happiness, but that's just life right now. I guess I've discovered just that, this is just life. It's true what they say, 'this to shall pass.'

I'm so grateful to my Heavenly Father, for all He's done for my little family throughout it's existence. I believe with all my heart that God knows me. He knows what I'm capable of and he knows what I need in order to discover what I'm capable of. I'll be honest, I wish I could just learn it and move on, but who doesn't wish that in the middle of a trial. :) I see God's hand in my life and I know He's done so much more for me than even I know. I try to tap into that when I feel the stress getting to me. I don't know where life will take us. I don't know if He'll stop helping or if this trial will ever end, but I'm determined to live anyway. So, I'm going to continue reflecting on life and I'm going to try to discover who I am. I'm going to try and discover who it is Heavenly Father seems to think I have the capability of being. I'm planning on using this blog as a way to help me discover that. Hopefully it won't bore anyone too much. I've been through a lot in my life and hopefully the things I've learned and the clarity I hope to gain will help someone at some point (even if it is just me looking back when I need some help.)

The Power of Moms

My wonderful friend Sara introduced me to "The Power of Moms" and their learning circles. She decided this year she was going to work on being a better mom and in the process came across the power of moms website. It's a sight created by some of the daughters of the Eyre family. Linda and Richard Eyre (for those of you who don't know and I didn't know until I started the power of moms) are the creators of Joy School. They have spent their lives helping to educate parents and to try and better the family structure. Well, as I said already, their daughters have formed this website called the Power of Moms that helps moms become better mothers and people in general. Part of the website allows for what's called Learning Circles. It's were you get together with 10-15 other moms and have a bonding girls night out. You're given an article to read and ponder and then you get together and discuss what you've read about. It's kind of like a book club, but so much more valuable in my opinion.

It's once a month and started last month with the topic of "Become Who You Are Meant To Be." This was an awesome topic and I came back feeling better about myself as a mother, realizing I was probably doing a better job than I thought, and determined to be better a little at a time. I left with this natural high and determination to get out of my rut.

This months article was entitled "Cherish the Moment." I'll admit that this topic hit a little too close to home for me. I got chocked up reading the article and then by the time if finished the three suggested articles the tears were flowing. The beginning of the article start with a quote from a lady named Anna Quindlen (apparently it was from an article in Newsweek.) The quote is as follows:

"Everything in all the books I once poured over is finished for me now. Penelope Leach, T. Berry Brazelton, Dr. Spock. The ones on sibling rivalry and sleeping through the night and early-childhood education, all grown obsolete. Along with 'Goodnight Moon' and 'Where the Wild Things Are,' they are battered, spotted, well used. But I suspect that if you flipped the pages dust would rise like memories. . . the biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make. . . I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of the three of (my children) sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages 6, 4, and 1. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less."

WOW! Did this paragraph ever hit home to me. I must admit that this is one of my biggest fears as a mother, the fear of missing out on my kids. I've begun to realize lately that time is going really fast. I spend all my days getting things done. The laundry, meals, dishes, baths, homework, and on and on. I'm not spending the time with my kids that I need to be spending with them. When I only had Sarah, or even Sarah and Ben, I was much better at playing with my kids. I took them to the park, read them stories, played "Little People" with them, and all those other fun things. Now that I have 4 other kids I find myself too busy for them. There are too many other things I have to get done that I don't take the time for them that I did when there were fewer of them. Now, I acknowledge this is necessary in some ways. Four extra kids does add a lot more laundry and dishes and baths, but that doesn't mean I should stop the little things as well.

In the article we read (written by Shawni Pothier) she talks about being there for you kids, not just physically. She says, "It's about crouching on the floor and getting delirious over the praying mantis your son just caught instead of perusing a fax or filling the dishwasher while he is yelling for you attention and you distractedly say over your shoulder: 'Oh, honey, isn't that a pretty bug.'" Yeah, that one hit home too. First it made me feel better that I'm not the only horrible mom in the world who does that, but more importantly it made me realize how important it is that we pay attention to our kids while they still want our attention. I don't want my kids to think dishes and laundry are more important than them and the way I act a lot of times probably gives them that feeling. Shawni continues, and I totally agree, "I want my kids to see my eyes shine when I play with them. I want to enjoy their play as much as they do. I want to "crouch down on the floor and get delirious' over the seemingly simple things that delight them. I want to look at the world through their eyes. I want to be their's while they want me." I want my kids to know I love them and that I'm so grateful to be their mom.

I want to see the shine in my kids eyes so that when they're grown I can always remember that shine. I can see my kids getting older and though I'm excited for the next stage in their and my lives, I don't want this stage to end. As I nurse baby Adam and he holds my finger in his little hands I can't help but take it all in. I'm often, in those rare quite moments with him while the other kids are playing or sleeping, overcome with the emotions of him being my last baby and the simple fact that he's growing up too quickly and taking that adorable little hand with him. All the things that come with babyhood are leaving our house and it's so hard for me to accept. I feel like I've lived my entire life preparing and waiting for this job of motherhood and now parts of it are going away that will never come back.

I think of my little Hannah, so sweet and loving. I feel so guilty about her speech. If only I'd taken more time with her like I did with Ben and Sarah, maybe she wouldn't be so speech delayed. I beat myself up over that so much. I feel like, in a way, I've cheated the kids out of the mother they deserved. However, I've also come to acknowledge that I can't change the past, only the future. I'm in that moment Anna Quindlen spoke about, "the trenches of motherhood," and I'm determined from this moment on to really cherish the life I have. It's going to go really quickly and I don't want to miss a thing. I'll still have to do the laundry, dinner, dishes, and so on, but I can take time out to listen to my kids story or watch their silly thing they do. I can take the time to read them a bedtime story or two and give them the silly kisses and hugs they love so much at bedtime.

After reading these articles I had a few moments with Dan. He was the only one awake and Ben and Sarah weren't going to be home from school for another 15 minutes. Instead of putting him in his boaster seat with a snack so I could clean the kitchen, I decided to get down on the floor and play with him. The girls had brought out a crib toy earlier in the day that had a spiny toy on it. Dan sat there for the entire 15 minutes we had alone together spinning that toy and giggling like it was the funniest thing in the world. At that moment I soaked up that little boy. I watched his eyes sparkle and joined in on his giggles. At that moment, there was no one else in the world and Dan ate it up. I realized from that moment, this is what I need to be doing. I need to be cherishing as much time as I can with my kids because I only get one chance. I don't want to look back and think, "I didn't live in the moment."

http://powerofmoms.com/