I read an article back in the day. Sadly I don't remember when or where I read it, but something in it has stuck with me for years. I believe it was in the Ensign and I read it when I only had Sarah Kate, but I'm not completely sure. Anyway, in this article the woman was talking about making a decision to always go to church. She said that she and her husband often felt that church, with their little kids, was pointless, meaning they didn't get anything out of it, but they had made the choice to go no matter what. It was the routine of it that they were hoping would positively affect their children. I remember thinking that was such a good idea and though life in church can't be that bad, I needed to incorporate that philosophy into my life. HaHa! It's funny sometimes just how naive we can be.
This adopted philosophy has carried me through a lot over the years. Our current, never ending trial has often left me feeling unworthy and unwelcome, at church, in a way. I remember one time in particular, back in February of 2010. I actually blogged about it because it made such an impact on me. Anyway, I was having a hard time and it was that philosophy of just going because we go, that really got me to church that day and kept me there. I was feeling very inadequate and unworthy to be at church and I excused myself during sacrament and locked myself in the relief society room to cry out my sorrows. It took all I had to stay, but I finished my meetings and God blessed me with the assurance that I did belong in church and that he did love me. It was a very tender moment for me and I'm grateful that I had this philosophy in place to help me make it to church that day.
Today this philosophy is helping me in other ways. I often still feel inadequate (Satan knows just how to work me) but I'm able, most days, to remember God's love for me and to work through those feelings. Now, I'm understanding just how this women from the article was feeling and I'm seeing how the philosophy helped her. Six kids 9 years old and under in sacrament at 9:00 am by myself is no cup of tea. I dread church. I know that's a horrible thing to say, but I wake up every Sunday praying that we can make it through the next few hours. I've discovered that getting a side bench is necessary for there to be any chance of a successful sacrament meeting, so as I rushed the kids out the door a little late today I prayed that I'd find a bench where I could sit on the end and successfully trap the kids in. Luckily I got the last side bench right up front between the bishops wife and the Godfrey's, a family of four kids whom are roughly the same age as my kids. They're one of those amazing families with wonderful, quite kids whom everyone, I'm sure, looks at and admires. I know I do. Anyway, I sat down, looked at who was around me and instantly felt sorry for them. Aw the joys of parenting.
I probably set myself up for it, but today was a particularly difficult Sunday. Sarah was a grouch because she was still tired and had to be woken up (I can totally see that the teenage years are going to be fun with her :) In her defense I do rely on her more than I should and she generally does a good job helping. Ben was pretty good and only a dozen times or so needed reminded to settle down and that I couldn't help him find pictures in his look and find book. The little girls whispered a lot and kept trying to stand on the bench, but other than that they did quite well. Daniel, well, he had a rough day. He woke up early which I knew right off the bat was going to be bad. He spent most of sacrament in silly loud mode and I couldn't calm him down. He would try to stand and sit on Adam, who was woken up early by Dan and was hungry and exhausted by the time sacrament started. It was a mess. Dan was all over the place and with 5 other kids to watch and listen to and remind to be reverent I was overwhelmed and not enjoying myself.
Finally, with about 10 minutes left in sacrament, I had had enough. Sarah had taken the little girls to the bathroom and I was left with just the boys. I tried to feed Adam a bottle of apple juice because he was starting to fuss. Dan decided he wanted a bottle and he completely lost control when I wouldn't give it to him. He started bawling as loud as he could, threw himself on the floor and had a tantrum. He's my first tantrum kid and I'll be honest, it's not that much fun. I looked at Ben, told him we were leaving, and picked up both little boys in my arms and walked the entire way down the chapel isle and out the door. I was so embarrassed. I met the girls in the hall and we hung out there until sacrament was over.
Right before the closing prayer, Dan's nursery leader came out of the chapel with her little boy and headed to the nursery. She ask if I wanted her to take Dan with her. He seemed more than willing to go so I pawned him off to her and waited for sacrament to be over so I could go retrieve our stuff. I took the girls to primary and slowly headed back to the chapel hoping everyone would have left by the time I got there. Nope, both the bishops family and the Godfrey's were still there. I felt this overwhelming need to apologize, which I feel after each sacrament meeting, and they told me they were so amazed at how well I do with my kids. What a sweet thing to say, but really, so not true. I was exhausted and emotionally drained so after cleaning up the tornado we had left on our bench, I took Adam to the car, put him in Dan's seat and turned the movie "Chicka Chicka Boom Boom" on for him and sat in the front seat and had a good cry. Sometimes crying can make things all better. :) I stayed in the car through all of Sunday School and even went home for a few minutes to clean myself up. Then, I headed to Relief Society to have a wonderful lesson on missionary work.
As I sat crying in the car during Sunday School I kept thinking to myself, "Why do I even bother coming. I'm not getting anything out of this and neither is anyone who happens to be sitting next to me." When we got home from church today I asked the kids what they learned. Hannah told me all about Alma the Younger and how he was once a bad guy who tried to get others to do bad things and not believe in Jesus. Then he turned good and started believing in Jesus and teaching all the people about Jesus. Ben said he learned about the atonement and how when we make mistakes Heavenly Father will forgive us because of Jesus and that we can be better just like Alma. That's why I go to church. Just like the lady in the article from all those years ago, I go to church for the routine of it and for the lessons that my kids are getting from it whether I am or not. We had an amazing bishop when we lived in West Valley and he got up one sacrament meeting and told us that we belonged in church. He said, whether we had crying, wild children or no one but ourselves to worry about, we belonged in church and that's where God wanted us. I go because that's where Heavenly Father wants us to be and because I am shaping the lives and views of my precious little children. It's not always as rough as it was today, but even on those rough days I know I'm where I need to be for myself and my kids. Someday soon, I'll look down the bench at my quite, older children and be reminded of these Sunday's that we came and struggled through sacrament. I'll marvel at the children I have and probably miss, in a way, the crazy days that I'm living now. For now, we'll keep going because that's just what we do and that's where we belong.
